Bill: World’s Worst Gopher

I’ve been doing a lot of what you would consider gopher work lately. That’s fine with me. Not really all that much responsibility, but it give you something to do. If I wasn’t helping out with this I might end up getting a job I really don’t want. Something where I have to do research or deal with somebody that didn’t get their job done. That’s the worst. More on that later.

This week I had the greatest job ever. I was sent off to the local Premium Cigar shop and told to get a box of the nicest cigars they had. I was given the corporate credit card and told “no limit”! If it doesn’t get any better than that, for the trouble of my time I was told to get what ever cigar I wanted for myself as well.

The smart thing to do would have been to sit down and think about it a little. Maybe do a little online window shopping first to give me some ideas before I got there.

Didn’t happen. I grabbed my keys so fast and was out of the driveway so fast I may have broken some kind of record.

On Location at the Cigar Shop

There were a number of people browsing around the Cigar Shop when I got there. The clerk left me alone for awhile as I looked around. There is one cabinet that has the higher end stuff in it. I noticed the people working in the store kept peeking my way. I’m in there often so I couldn’t figure out if they were wondering why I was in that section of the store or if they got their radar up because someone was poking around near the high dollar items.

After looking through the selection I had made up my mind by the time the lady showed up to help me. I had decided on a box of the Arturo Fuente Opus X Lost City. I thought she would jump right out of her shoes getting an order like that. But she wasn’t phased at all. In fact, she just said “I can’t sell you the whole box”. WHAT!? Are you kidding me? I’ve never bought a box of cigars like this in my life and the whole moment is being ruined.

Bill was Actually Stunned

She told me that the distributor only has so many boxes and they are given out to the stores based on how much sales they do in a year. That store only got two boxes. To prevent someone from going in there and just buying them up, they limited sales to only two per customer. What an outrage. I wanted to be the guy that went in there and buy them all up.

Of course you might say, Bill, but if someone else did that and you couldn’t buy one then you would be mad at that too. While correct, my answer is “so what”. This was my chance.

If deflated my good mood so much that I didn’t want any other cigar despite the fact that there were a lot of really good ones to choose from.

Not Bill’s Normal Purchase

They know me as someone that buys bundles of factory seconds. This was going to shoot me up to the status of a high roller. I didn’t know what to do. High rollers don’t settle for second best, do they? I couldn’t just pick out another cigar like everything was fine.

To save a little face I said “fine, I’ll have to get them somewhere else”. I don’t know why I said that because there isn’t anywhere else. Not anywhere close and I don’t want to drive far. What would happen if I did drive far and they said the same thing to me? I’m not going to shop online either. T totally painted myself into a corner. I needed to give this some thought.

I did have the corporate card, plus he did tell me I could get an cigar for myself. So I decided I’d grab one of those Lost City cigars. I owed myself that at least.

Smoking it there was the best plan because if I went back with it something bad might happen. Better have it while I can.

Time For A Break

They have a small smoking lounge there. Nothing fancy but cozy enough. There were 3 other people using the lounge. Young guys. All talking about the dumbest things. All playing on their phones.

I don’t know if smoking such a high end cigar made me smarter or just it just seemed that way by comparison to those nitwits. It had dawned on me what’s wrong with young people in general. They think they are so busy but they aren’t. Just the opposite, goofing off. Don’t realize they are doing nothing meaningful. Nothing productive.

You know what ever they are doing on those phones it’s something stupid. Not business or anything like that. One guy was watching a TV show. He told his buddies that Friends was the best show ever made. I’ve never seen it but if I’m not mistaken it’s some yuppy show. No thanks.

At their age they should really be trying to make themselves into better people. Become men instead of acting like little teen age girls. Idling their time away, never really getting anything important done. But if you asked them they would tell you they are so busy. Too bad. They laugh at moronic things as the chance at a good life passes right by them. I’m sure they will have a way to blame someone else when they owe a ton of money in student loans and can’t pay it off. Or no good job ‘ever came their way’. I’ll probably end up paying that stupid student loan off with my taxes. More work for me as they keep flicking those thumbs on that piece of glass.

Now The Important Stuff

So what about my cigar? Amazing! It was a Robusto 5.25 X 50. I can’t imagine being able to smoke a cigar like that all the time. That must be the life. I’ve never smoked a $30 cigar in my life. Until now that is. It was my idea fo a perfect cigar. The burn was perfectly even and the draw so smooth.

The flavor was my idea fo heaven. If I ever win the lottery I’d buy as many of these as I could get my hands on, and that would be good enough for me. I wouldn’t need anything else.

If I recall correctly we did have some Opus Xs a while back during one of our meetings, but I don’t remember it being this good.

This happens to be from a special crop they planted while they were filming a movie at the Arturo Fuente farm, or something like that.

Fantastic Smoke

At first I thought those snot-gobblers were going to ruin it for me, but once I started to really get into the cigar I forgot all about them.

I’m pretty sure that was the best cigar I ever had in my life.

That feeling was short lived. When I got back the first thing I heard was “were is the box of cigars?” It had totally slipped my mind. Now I was in the predicament of getting the pay off but not doing the job in the first place. I did what I was thinking those kids do all the time. Honestly I felt kind of bad about it, but not so bad that I was going to loose any sleep over it. I’m the one that had to drive all the way out there. It wasn’t my fault they wouldn’t sell me the whole box, only just enough for me.

I offered to keep looking and to nobody’s surprise I was turned down. I also had to turn in the corporate card.


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

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