Bill Returns With Some Derby Picks

I left for a week and everything goes right down the [expletive deleted]. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to have a little break, but now I have to come back and repair all the damage that was done.

For the record, the number of people who read last week’s column was only half of what it usually is. Nobody cares about the crap Phil writes, they are here to see what I have to say. Lucky for me it was only one week. It’s possible that I can get this ship back on course. 

How can you not be able to think of anything to complain about? I can barely think of something I wouldn’t love to complain about. It’s a good thing people have different jobs. It ensures that each sticks to what most suits them. I’ll do the criticizing and analysis and Phil can focus on filling out his little calendar and supplying us with premium tobacco and refreshments. 

Complaining Is My Talent

That reminds me, I think he was complaining about me in his sorry attempt to write this column. He’s not the only one who has brought cigars or pipe tobacco to the Staff Meetings. He apparently has forgotten about the time I brought those Quorum Classics. Wasn’t any left if I recall correctly. 

Speaking of Quorums, I believe they are made by our friends at J.C. Newman. Made in Nicaragua along with their other cigars, they are probably made with the same tobacco as the Brick House cigars. Don’t know that for sure but they taste pretty good to me. And the price is pretty good too. The good thing about a cigar like that is you don’t really have to worry about taking up space in your humidor. You will smoke them all up in no time. Throw a few in your car, in your jacket pocket, in your tackle box. You’re all set no matter where you go. I’ll have Phil put a link to them in here somewhere. 

Just might bring some more with me one of these weeks. 

Smoked the last of my Christmas cigars. Didn’t even last four months. I was hoping I could stretch it out for the whole year. Cigars always taste better when someone gives them to you. At least they do to me. 

Come On Down

Another thing we discussed last week was my Price is Right idea. I know everyone thinks it’s a joke but I like it. My original idea was to take an unlabeled cigar, smoke it and tell people what I thought it was worth, then compare it to what it actually costs. I was told that I would end up making everyone mad. As we talked about it, someone mentioned that I should try to guess what they actually cost and see how close I could get, like the real Price is Right. I’m not so sure about that, but I’d give it a go. 

The eBay suspension is over. No doubt they realized that I am close, personal friends with their boss, the CEO, and they double timed it getting us back on line. See, sometimes it pays off to have friends in high places. They won’t be doing that again I can tell you that. Remember when everyone got mad at me for emailing the guy? “Bill, don’t do that, what’s the matter with you!”. As usual I’m right. What we need around here is for everyone to get out of my way and let me do what I want. If we did that, this website would be one of the biggest ones on the whole internet. 

The Run For The Roses

The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday. You may know that I’m a big fan of the Sport of Kings. I thought it would be fun to share with you my Derby picks. My track record, literally, is so-so. I get on some hot tears but the Derby is hard. You have some knowledge of these ponies but this event is huge. Plus it might rain. You can never tell who the good mudders are going to be. At only three years old how many sloppy races could they have been in?Omaha Beach was scratched but I don’t think I would have picked him anyway. My top pick was going to be Roadster but they got a horrible post draw, too bad. With that in mind, here is my prediction.

Win:  Improbable

Place: Tacitus

Show: Roadster

Long shot, have to put a fin down, Cutting Humor

One point I’d like to make is there is no cigar smoking at the track anymore, but they still drink those [highly offensive remark deleted] Mint Juleps. What has this world come to?

Wrap Up

If you got any good ideas, let me have them. I have a feeling that when the numbers come in next week, after I’ve been back on the job, and they are up again, I’m going to have a little more clout around here. That’s the way it should be. I might just start to expand out a little bit and bring you some quality material. Might even do a review! Rules are for saps. From now on I’m going to do a little rule making of my own. 


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

He can be reached at

Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport