Bill Gets Rejected

Well, it’s finally happened. The column I wrote for this week’s Critic’s Corner was rejected. It seems I went too far this time. Last week I got a lot of great feedback from what I wrote. Especially the part of my column that talks about men handing out cigars when they have a baby. I was glad to see that, even though it’s obvious.

People like to read things that reinforce what they already believe, and I think that was the case in this instance. I mean if you’re a guy and you’re going to your wife’s baby shower but are not “allowed” to hand out cigars you have some pretty big problems. Betas like that probably don’t even like cigars in the first place so it doesn’t matter.

The idea was to take last weeks topic and expand on it. I talked about how it’s a good thing to judge people. Apparently the thing now it to abhor judging people, but that is not smart. Judging people is a smart, useful thing to do. Let’s say a guy saw a child drowning in a river that was flooding and it was dangerous. He jumps in and without regard for his own safety saves that kid’s life. Wouldn’t you agree that is a heroic thing to do? If you didn’t know anything else about this guy you could at least assume he has done something heroic and probably has good character and values.

He might be a big jerk, but to at least giving him credit for his actions is fair and is probably close to being a good indicator of what type of person he is. So why should doing the exact same thing when someone does something incredibly stupid wrong?

Oh no, in that case you’re supposed to ignore it and not hold it against them. You are supposed to not judge them. If everyone else wants to be blind and stupid, fine with me, but I’m not going along.

I saw a sign that said judging other people says more about you than the person you’re judging. The person that wrote that is an idiot. How about that for judging? Judging people unfairly says a lot about someone, but doing stupid [expletive deleted] doesn’t mean you get a free pass. That’s two separate things, slogan writer. Wonder if you’re capable of being able to tell the difference. Probably not. Go back to looking at pictures of kittens on the internet and trying to ruin people’s live if they don’t agree with you.

That’s Not Who I Mean

The trouble I ran into is that there is always an exception to the rule. If I mention something that indicates someone is a big moron, there will be one person that does that who is a great guy. Then they will hold that guy out to prove me wrong, even though in 99% of the cases I’d be right.

I gave a lot of examples in the column. Probably too many now that I look at it. The thing was ripe for outrage. It’s funny because the dumbest people are the ones that get mad the fastest and are the first to try to shut you up. I’m pretty sure that’s because there is some primal part of their pea brains that tells them what other people are saying is true and they don’t want to hear it. The only way to fight that little voice in their heads is to start screaming and drown it out.

The world would benefit from the advice I gave, but the Briar Report would not. I’m sure we would get boycotted or something. We are too small to be able to withstand a mob of angry losers. I don’t want to be responsible for that.

What’s going to happen is all these angry freaks are going to be the end of the human race. They are incapable of even taking care of themselves. What’s gong to happen when all the people who have carried them through life are too old or gone? The only thing they know how to do is [editor’s note: This section has been remove because of the highly offensive nature of it. Way, way overboard. I think you have already gotten the idea].

Better Write Fast

The real problem from my perspective is now I have one day to come up with another column. Usually I get ideas at our Saturday Staff Meeting then have until Wednesday night to turn the column in. Now I have to crank one out, and I don’t work like that.

I like to mull it over. I know I seem like an off the cuff guy but I usually get ideas when I’m napping. When I wake up I can write the parts I remember down. Then I have lunch. This time I made myself some espresso and have to just sit down and write. I don’t really like it, but that’s where I am.

Ventura Cigars

This past meeting we did talk about the new cigars Ventura released. We had gotten some inside info on it and knew this was the week. They are called PSyKo Sevens. I hope I got that right. All those capital letter mixed around. Not a fan of that.

PSyKo Cigars released this week

My local cigar shop does’t have them yet so Phil is going to one that does and getting us some for the upcoming meeting. I can’t wait to try them out. They sound good, but you never know. The one thing they are pushing is that the cigar was blended by a woman, Ms Ortez. That Ortez is a big cigar family so I assume she knows what she is doing.

On the one hand I’m glad she is successful and that they are proud that a woman is heading this project up, but on the other it seems odd. Who ever thought about that when they smoke a cigar? I’ve never once in my life while smoking a cigar looked at it and said to myself “wow, this is a great cigar made by some man”. The thought would never cross my mind. For all I know they are all designed by women.

I’ll bet most cigars are rolled by women. All I care about is if the cigar is good or not. People can say “this is a man’s world” all they want but what it boils down to is who can produce. It sounds like Ms. Ortez is one that can, and I’m happy for her.

I hope people don’t say “she’s a good cigar blender for a woman”. I’d rather they just say “she’s a good cigar blender”. If Ventura puts too much emphasis on the fact she’s a woman they run the risk of taking away from her accomplishments, which would be too bad.

Before I say anything for sure I’m going to have to try one of these sticks for myself. I’ll let you know next week.


Mother Nature can’t be tamed

This past week some tornados touched down and did a lot of damage. I suppose it was from that Global Warming [expletive deleted]. While watching some YouTube videos I see where one of the guys had some major damage. River Rat is his stage name. There seems to be a fund raiser for him going on. I’ll have them put in links to some videos talking about that in case you want to donate. That’s a tough situation. Hope everyone is OK.

[Peddler Piper talks about the fund for River Rat 74. Links included in his video.

Grizz Piper 1224, Tobacco Pipes Internatonal, and Garbage Man Piper all talk about Mr. River Rat 74.]

Comments Welcome

If you haven’t noticed we do not have any comments sections on the Briar Report. When we first came out we allowed it for one day. In that day we got a ton of strange comments and most of them coming from Russia. It almost shut us down on our very first day. Therefore it’s all turned off. That shouldn’t deter you from sending me or Phil any comments. You can get my information down at the bottom of this column. I wanted to thank all the people who said nice things after the last one, and for the ones that had not so nice things to say, [expletive deleted]. You’re just mad because a grumpy old man like me is right.

Matches 860 Live

One final thing before I leave. I have another official assignment. One of the biggest things during the week is the Matches channel has a live show where a lot of people like to meet and say hi. He usually mentions us which we love. Wish more people would do it, but this guy is really famous, so it makes it that much nicer that he takes the time. Phil can only go on to about half of them because of his work schedule. Phil gets up in the middle of the night to update the website then start his day. He can’t stay up late all the time and watch some of these shows live.

They asked me if this week I could tune in because he feels bad he has missed so many in a row. I thought it would be fun, I’ve never done that before. All I have to do is watch a live video show. So if all goes as planned I will on the Matches show and make some live comments, which I guess is what you’re supposed to do. If you like to watch that show, look out for me. I think it starts at 7:00 on Friday. Please don’t try to get me mad or anything, I promised a hundred times I’d be polite because I will be representing Briar Report.

I promise not to judge anyone.


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

He can be reached at

Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport