Bill Contemplates Handing Out Cigars

Before I get into the meat and potatoes of my column I’d like to make a couple of points left over from last week. The first being that this column experienced some technical difficulties that were beyond my control.

During the editing process some of the paragraphs had been mixed up. Lucky for me I went on the site and noticed it a few hours after it was published and made a phone call. It was straightened out, but if you were to have read the column after it first came out you might have thought I was drunk or something when I wrote my column. That I can tell you was not the case.

I hope that the editor learned his lesson and pays more attention in the future.

Tin Art Award

The other thing I wanted to add to last week’s column was what I had wrote about Flat Capped Piper. I think I may have mistakenly referred to him as Flat Hat Piper, but I have it straight now. Anyway, him and his wife are doing the room note videos. What I left out was their Awards Show. The reason I left it out was because I had already turned in my column and it was too late.

They gave out an award for the best pipe tobacco tin art. It got me to thinking, there is some great looking tins. Some are real duds too. I’m going to keep my eye open and try to remember the good ones for next year.

When you look at the new tins they look like garbage. Big warning label all over it that takes up about a third of the tin. There is one company that puts the tin in a box. The box looks like junk but you can open it up and the tin inside is normal, with the art on it. That’s the way I hope companies do it from now on. Probably won’t because it will cost them more to put it in a second box. The people are going to buy it no matter what so why would they bother?

How will they choose the winner in the future with all the warnings on them? The winner will have a picture of a diseased lung on it? That will be terrible. I think the days of fancy tin art might be over. Why would companies bother to make a nice looking tin if they have to turn around and ruin it? Now I’m getting mad.

Off The Road For a Day

This past week my car had problems again. For the most part it runs pretty good but as with most things mechanical, they don’t run forever. One of the radiator hoses had an an aneurysm. Steam was blowing out everywhere. Lucky for me I had some water in the car and I was only about ten miles from the garage. I drove straight there and left it overnight.

They treat me pretty good. They fixed it first thing the next morning even though I didn’t have an appointment. The reason I’m putting it in my column is because it got me to thinking about the etiquette of giving out cigars.

Cigar Guy

They know I’m sort of “a cigar guy”. I have them all over my car. I keep a few lined up in the sun visor so I’m always ready to go if I want a stogie. A lot of times in the past I give a cigar to the guy who fixes my car when I go to pick it up. I wonder if that’s why they fix my car so fast? Anyway, they have a couple new guys working there. I was thinking, first, I don’t know for sure which one fixed my car, so I might be giving a cigar to the wrong guy.

Since there are three of them, am I going to have to give out three cigars? That’s a little excessive. Plus two of them would only be getting free cigars for nothing. I was thinking I have some of those Night Owls left from when I wrote about them a few months ago. I could give a nice cigar to the guy who fixed my car and Night Owls to the other two. But still, I couldn’t be sure I gave the good one to the right guy. Plus the other two might feel ripped off, and if they have to fix my car next time I might get screwed.

All I wanted to do was be a nice guy but it has turned out to be where I have to go out and buy a box of cigars to hand out. The cigars will cost me more than the repair.

You Never Know Who Is Reading

To make matters worse, when I was thinking about putting this in my column I had the thought, what if they read my column? What if I write that I’m going to stick the two lackeys with cheap smokes, then they read about it, how I planned it all along? I couldn’t use the excuse that I only had one Fuente on me and the only other cigars I had came in foil packs. That would backfire on me for sure.

I’m not sure what most people would do. Probably give everyone a cigar. In the end I decided to not give anyone one. I had thought about it too much, that killed the idea. I suppose I can wait until Christmas time and give the whole shop a small box to split up between them. That would be a nice thing to do. I do appreciate the work they do.

Handing Out Cigars

Do people even hand out cigars anymore? The only place I see them is weddings every once in awhile. They don’t do it for babies anymore. All the do-gooders have ruined that. Now if they give you anything at all they give you some [offensive remark deleted] candy bar. A candy bar? You know that kid is going to grow up and be a [offensive remark deleted].

Real men need to stop listening to their wives, or girlfriends as is often the case now. I think they call them the baby’s momma instead of mother. The father needs to buy a box of cigars and go around and slap people on the back and let them know they just had a kid. That was a great tradition that is gone. Too bad, it was a great male thing and it was cool when guys were proud when they had a baby.

I’m not saying they aren’t proud now, but it’s in that beta, hipster way. The woman hands him his box of Hershey bars and sends him out to give them to their hipster friends. Women and men alike. Pretty soon they will say you can’t give out candy, it is bad for your teeth or will make you fat. They will think of some [expletive deleted] stupid thing to give out. Then it will be nothing.

I’m going to lay it out and I don’t care who I offend. Real men hand out cigars. If you are not sure or you have to ask your wife first, you have big problems.

The only exception is don’t give some people premium cigars and others White Owls. It makes you look a little cheap.


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

He can be reached at

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