Bill Changes A Light Bulb

If you came here to see what I had to say about the new PsYKo cigar, you are going to be as disappointed as I am. We did not get them in time for last week’s meeting. We ended up smoking Orlik pipe tobacco, which we’ve had a million times. It’s good, but nothing special in my opinion.

I was really looking forward to being first out of the gate with thoughts on a new cigar. Now by the time I get one it will be old news.

Rain, Rain Go Away

The rain lately has put a big cramp in my outside smoking time. A mild Winter and a wet Spring has produced a bumper mosquito crop, and they are all looking for me. It’s one of the great advantages cigar smokers have over the general public. Those bugs don’t like the smoke. It won’t protect you 100% but it cuts down on them a lot.

I need to devise a scientific test to be able to determine which cigars are the most effective in keeping those little [expletive deleted] away. If you know of any cigars that you think are the best at repelling mosquitoes, let me know.

One problem you run into is if there is even the slightest breeze, it carries the smoke away defeating the bug annoying properties of the cigar. It’s still enough to keep my wife away, but I need more. If it weren’t for bugs I might actually look forward to going outside.

Being stuck inside when its Spring is no fun. It’s obvious to the whole world if you don’t get anything done outside. The place is getting overrun with weeds. The lawn looks like it’s had a bad haircut and the garden has been lost for another year. Since I don’t want to clean out that jungle, I just walk past it and make plans for next year.

But if you stay inside you have to start getting some of that stuff done. I know it sounds like I’m complaining about everything but why can’t anything ever go good for a change? Why does everything have to turn into a pain in my [expletive deleted]?

How Many Bill’s Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

I had to change out some light bulbs. Can’t get an easier job than that, right? They are fluorescent bulbs. I go to the local hardware store and they don’t even carry them anymore. They have these little, thin bulbs that are about half the diameter as the old ones. Since when did everyone switch to those? Now I had to hunt for the ones I needed.

After I found them and got home, the plan was to swap them out which should take two minutes. Nope! They have to make those light fixtures so that there is only about a tenth of a millimeter of extra space between the end of the bulb and the housing. You can barely wiggle the old bulbs out. Getting the new ones in is even worse. I don’t remember it ever being this hard. The pins, the clips, twisting and turning. Who could ever imagine changing a light bulb would be so frustrating? If it gets any worse I’m going to end up being the butt of a joke.

User friendly is not even in the vocabulary of companies anymore. they want things to be hard to deal with so you go buy new things. Do they think I am going to change out my lights to the ones with the skinny bulbs? No way. I’ll walk around with a flashlight for the rest of my life before I do that. I’d change them out and some busy-body politician will make the bulbs illegal. They’ll make me change those to ones that have LED bulbs, because some jerk thinks they are saving the planet.

I think I’ve covered this ground before. No need to do it over.

The Day That Will Live In Infamy

This week was the anniversary of D-Day. When I was young it was a much bigger deal. The guys telling you the stories were young men then. You felt close to what they were saying. It’s not like they wanted to sit around talking about it all the time, the war I mean, but they would let you know what it was like in a way that you would never, ever, want there to be another war. I’m not talking about the anti war type. If those idiots got their way there would be more wars, not less.

Anyway, thinking back to those guys when they were in their prime and what they did, stops you in your tracks. Hearing it from ninety year olds is not the same, even though they are the same guys. It makes it feel so distant. When they are gone and all we have is history books, then it will be the same as Gettysburg. Only the history buffs will care.

That’s not a good thing. Anyone with any bit of common sense knows where that will lead, and it ain’t good.

Considering Putting In A Smoking Lounge

My new project is to make an indoor smoking lounge. Sure I already have a chair, but it’s in a high traffic area, if you know what I mean. Plus I think everyone touches my stuff when I’m not around.

I’ve got a place in mind that might make a good spot. It has to have a comfortable chair. A big humidor that has anything I might want. One of those old standing ash trays right next to the chair. Nice sounding radio and a lamp so I can listen to music, maybe a ballgame, or read if I want. No internet or telephone. No TV. I have an old fish aquarium that might fit right in. All the losers will be killin’ each other outside during the Civil War and I will be sitting in my lounge smoking cigars and watching the fish. Actually sounds like the perfect setup.

Now the only thing I need to figure out is how am I going to get rid of these stupid light bulbs which I’ve been told I’m not allowed to throw in the garbage. [expletive deleted]


Bill is the acting Briar Report Chief of Staff,

he is also the Managing Editor of

He can be reached at

Follow him on Twitter @StogieReport